Being Himself

At the depot, my friend, Sandra who was also my former employee picked me up. We rode in her car. And as we traveled on the way to her place, we also journeyed through memory lane reminiscing the summers together.

As we pull into the drive, a sudden feeling of anxiety filled me. And then I saw her husband gazing at us in the window. My uneasiness grew. Fearing what his reaction would be, will he be happy of my visit? Or would he think I was just a pain in the neck? But I shrugged it off for me to meet than man in my friend’s life.

Sandra was still laughing as she parked the car. Laughing at the stories we were telling to each other. Then she went to me to help me get out. I hope her husband won’t fear a blind man wearing a full beard, though it is kind of weird. I reached into the backseat and dragged out my suitcase. She took my arm, shut the car door, and, we went talking all the way, moved me down the drive and then up the steps to the front porch.

As her husband open the door for us, Sandra said, “Chad, I want you to meet Robert. Robert, this is my husband, Chad. I’ve told you all about him.” Then I let go of my suitcase and up came to meet his hand. I took it and squeezed it hard, for him to feel how glad I am to meet the love of my friend. Then I let go.

“I feel like we’ve already met,” I boomed.

“Likewise,” he said. Then he said, “Welcome. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Then we began to move around the house, from the porch into the living room, his wife guiding me by the arm. Then Chad blurted out something to strike a conversation. He asked, “Did you have a good train ride? Which side of the train did you sit on, by the way?”

“What a question, which side! What’s it matter which side?” Sandra said.

“I just asked,” he said.

“Right side,” I replied. “I hadn’t been on a train in nearly forty years. Not since I was a kid. With my folks. That’s been a long time. I’d nearly forgotten the sensation. I have winter in my beard now,“ I said. Shifting the topic to avoid an argument between the couple, “So I’ve been told, anyway. Do I look distinguished, my dear?” I asked Sandra.

“You look distinguished, Robert,” she said. “Robert,” she said. “Robert, it’s just so good to see you.” And I was just as happy to see her too.

“Let me get you a drink. What’s your pleasure? We have a little bit of everything. It’s one of our pastimes,” Chad said.

“Bub, I’m a Scotch man myself,” I replied. It was nice of him to ask me for a drink, I thought. It was a really good sign of him being friendly.

“I’ll move your suitcase up to your room,” Sandra said.

“No, that’s fine,” I said loudly. “It can go up when I go up.”

The three of us had a big glass of Scotch with a splash of water in each. Then we made ourselves comfortable and talked about my travels. First the long flight I had from the West Coast to Connecticut then from Connecticut up here by train. We also smoked while drinking and I guess I had much.

When we sat down at the table for dinner, we had another drink. The couple took charge of my meal. Chad said, “Here’s bread and butter for you.” I swallowed some of my drink. “Now let us pray,” he said, and then I lowered my head. “Pray the phone won’t ring and the food doesn’t get cold,” he added.

We dug in. We ate everything there was to eat on the table. We ate like there was no tomorrow. We didn’t talk. We ate. Silence filled the atmosphere. I had no problem with my food that is why I didn’t stop eating until I felt really full.

After dinner, we went to the living room sank into our places again. I was sitting on the sofa with Sandra. We talked about the major things that had come to pass for us in the past ten years. Now and then, Chad joined in. As we talked about my life, I also try to ask Chad about some things from time to time. Like how long had he been in his present position, did he like his work, and was he going to stay with it.

After answering my questions, the TV turned on. “Robert, do you have a TV?”, Sandra asked.

“My dear, I have two TVs. I have a color set and a black-and-white thing, an old relic. It’s funny, but if I turn the TV on, and I’m always turning it on, I turn on the color set. It’s funny, don’t you think?”, I replied.

“This is a color TV. Don’t ask me how, but I can tell.”, I said while listening to the news program.

“I think I’ll go upstairs and put on my robe. I think I’ll change into something else. Robert, you make yourself comfortable,” Sandra said.

“I’m comfortable,” I answered.

“I want you to feel comfortable in this house,” she said.

“I am comfortable,” I finally insisted.

As Sandra went upstairs, Chad and I listened to the weather report and then to the sports roundup. Then we had another drink. He also asked me if I want to smoke some dope with him and I said sure.

Then Sandra came down and asked, “What do I smell?”

“We thought we’d have us some cannabis,” Chad said.

“Robert, I didn’t know you smoked,” she exclaimed.

“I do now, my dear. There’s a first time for everything. But I don’t feel anything yet,” I replied.

Then Sandra joined us and sat on the sofa between me and Chad.

After awhile, “Thanks, bub,” I said. “But I think this is all for me. I think I’m beginning to feel it,” I added. “

Same here,” Sandra said. “Ditto. Me, too. I may just sit here for a while between you two guys with my eyes closed. But don’t let me bother you, okay? Either one of you. If it bothers you, say so. Otherwise, I may just sit here with my eyes closed until you’re ready to go to bed,” she said. “Your bed’s made up, Robert, when you’re ready. It’s right next to our room at the top of the stairs. We’ll show you up when you’re ready. You wake me up now, you guys, if I fall asleep.” She said that and then she closed her eyes and went to sleep.

My friend seems really tired. She needs enough rest to recover the energy she had spent for taking care of me in this visit. And now I think is the right time for me and Chad to build a connection that may lead to a bond of friendship like what Sandra and I have. This is also a payment for stealing his wife from him because of her pursuit to entertain me as a visitor.

The news program ended. “Are you tired? Do you want me to take you up to your bed? Are you ready to hit the hay?”, Chad asked.

“Not yet,” I said. “No, I’ll stay up with you, bub. If that’s all right. I’ll stay up until you’re ready to turn in. We haven’t had a chance to talk. Know what I mean? I feel like me and her monopolized the evening. “

“That’s all right,” he said then added, “I’m glad for the company.” But how should I start it?

We were watching TV and I felt that Chad was keeping on switching the channels. “Bub, it’s all right,” I finally said. “It’s fine with me. Whatever you want to watch is okay. I’m always learning something. Learning never ends. It won’t hurt me to learn something tonight. I got ears,” I added.

Hearing from the screen, I heard an Englishman narrating about something like an event. But I was not sure. It was like the event took place in Spain once a year. Then, Chad tried to explain to me what was happening.

Silence dominated between us again and then Chad said, “They’re showing the outside of this cathedral now. Gargoyles. Little statues carved to look like monsters. Now I guess they’re in Italy. Yeah, they’re in Italy. There’s paintings on the walls of this one church.”

“Are those fresco painting, bub?” I asked then sipped from my drink.

“You’re asking me are those frescoes? That’s a good question. I don’t know,” Chad said casually.

Then he blurted out, “Something has occurred to me. Do you have any idea what a cathedral is? What they look like, that is? Do you follow me? If somebody says cathedral to you, do you have any notion what they’re talking about? Do you the difference between that and a Baptist church, say?”

“I know they took hundreds of workers fifty or a hundred years to build,” I said. “I just heard the man say that, of course. I know generations of the same families worked on a cathedral. I heard him say that, too. The men who began their life’s work on them, they never lived to see the completion of their work. In that wise, bub, they’re no different from the rest of us, right?” I laughed. “Cathedrals,” I said. “If you want the truth, bub, that’s about all I know. What I just said. What I heard him say. But maybe you could describe one to me? I wish you’d do it. I’d like that. If you want to know, I really don’t have a good idea,” I added.

“To begin with, they’re very tall. They reach way up. Up and up. Toward the sky. They’re so big, some of them, they have to have these supports. To help hold them up, so to speak. These supports are called buttresses. They remind of viaducts, for some reason. But maybe you don’t know viaducts, either? Sometimes the cathedrals have devils and such carved into the front. Sometimes lords and ladies. Don’t ask me why this is,” he said.

“I’m not doing so good, am I?” he finally uttered. But I appreciate very much on how he tries to give me the information I need.

I kept on nodding, so as to convince him I’m willing to listen and wait. Then he said, “They’re really big. They’re massive. They’re built of stone. Marble, too, sometimes. In those olden days, when they built cathedrals, men wanted to be close to God. In those olden days, God was an important part of everyone’s life. You could tell this from their cathedral-building. I’m sorry but it looks like that’s the best I can do for you. I’m just no good at it.”

“That’s all right, bub,” I told him. “Hey, listen. I hope you don’t mind my asking you. Can I ask you something? Let me ask you a simple question, yes or no. I’m just curious and there’s no offense. You’re my host. But let me ask if you are in any way religious? You don’t mind my asking?” I asked in a moment.

“I guess I don’t believe in it. In anything. Sometimes it’s hard. You know what I’m saying?”, he replied.

“Sure, I do,” I said.

He apologized of him that he can not tell me what a cathedral exactly looks like. He admitted that it’s just isn’t in him, those kinds of things.

“The truth is, cathedrals don’t mean anything special to me. Nothing. Cathedrals. They’re something to look at on late-night TV. That’s all they are,” he added.

And then I thought of something. Then I said, “I get it, bub. It’s okay. It happens. Don’t worry about it.” “Hey, listen to me. Will you do me a favor? I got an idea. Why don’t you find us some heavy paper? And a pen. We’ll do something. We’ll draw one together. Get us a pen and some heavy paper. Go on, bub, get the stuff,” I requested.

He quickly went upstairs to find some pens and papers that we would be using then hurried back to the living room. I got down from the sofa and sat next to him on the carpet.

After preparing, we were now ready to start. I found his hand, the hand with the pen. I closed my hand over his hand. “Go ahead, bub, draw,” I said. “Draw. You’ll see. I’ll follow along with you. It’ll be okay. Just begin now like I’m telling you. You’ll see. Draw,” I said.

“Swell,” I said while feeling the motion of our hands. “Terrific. You’re doing fine,” I exclaimed. “Never thought anything like this could happen in your lifetime, did you, bub? Well, it’s a strange life, we all know that. Go on now. Keep it up.”

As I felt around over the paper and moving the tips of my fingers over the paper and all over what Chad had drawn, I showed my affirmation to him by nodding. “Doing fine,” I added.

I guess Chad feels a strange feeling now. Though he knew that he is not an artist, he can’t explain why he kept on drawing just the same.

Sandra opened up her eyes and gazed at us. She sat up on the sofa, her robe hanging open. She said, “What are you doing? Tell me, I want to know.”

No one answered him, at first. Then I said, “We’re drawing a cathedral. Me and him are working on it. Press hard,” I repeated to him. “That’s right. That’s good,” I said. “Sure. You got it, bub. I can tell. You didn’t think you could. But you can, can’t you? You’re cooking with gas now. You know what I’m saying? We’re going to really have us something here in a minute. How’s the old arm? Put some people in there now. What’s a cathedral without people?”, I added.

Sandra repeated, “What’s going on? Robert, what are you doing? What’s going on?”

“It’s all right,” I said to her. “Close your eyes now,” I said to him.

Chad closed his eyes just like what I said. And he kept it that way for awhile. “Don’t stop now. Draw,” I told him.

So we kept on with it. My fingers rode his fingers as his hand went over the paper. Then I finally said, “I think that’s it. I think you got it. Take a look. What do you think?”

“Well?” I said. “Are you looking?” But Chad’s eyes were still closed.

“It’s really something,” he said. I felt happy with what happened. It was successful. I’m happy that he got it. Somehow he had been himself.